Pulp Secret Report

1. Generation X

Now, this is technically a TV movie ... and a REALLY bad TV movie. It originally aired on Fox in 1996, and featured Banshee and Emma Frost as the headmasters of the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters. M, Skin, Mondo, Jubilee and Buff and Refrax, two made-for-TV characters because Chamber and Husk's powers were too expensive to film (Read: GHETTO). The plot is lamer than even the worst "X-Men" comic, and features the students fighting Russell Tresh, an evil scientist who used a machine to develop psychic powers. He's kind of like Bill Nye the Science Guy ... but evil.

This was before Marvel started making big-budget blockbusters and decided to focus on TV with movies such as this waste of space, and "Nick Fury" (in which Fury was played by David Hasselhoff. I'll let that sink in for a moment). There is no redeeming quality to this movie. Bad acting. Bad script (there's a Hootie and the Blowfish joke!). Bad everything. Now thanks to the powers of YouTube, the ENTIRE movie is available for your viewing pleasure. So don't take my word for it, go watch an X-Men movie actually WORSE than "X3: The Last Stand."

2. STEEL

It is hard to decide which Shaquille O'Neal movie is worse. "Kazaam" (where he plays a genie) or "Steel" (where he plays a superhero), but since this is a list of movies based on comic books, the decision was made for me, and it looks as if "Steel" won. This movie is based on the DC hero of the same name, who was one of the four Supermen who claimed themselves as the Man of Steel back from the dead after his encounter with Doomsday.

Aside from Shaq's acting, this movie is pretty bad. From the bad script littered with awful running gags to the random cameo appearances (Shaft as Steel's costume designer?) I feel this movie is summed up best by a user comment left on the movie's page on IMDB:

"'Steel'! Oh, yes! This movie is so tough, any movie like 'The Godfather' and 'Casablanca' will shatter into irreversible broken pieces if dropped on there! Shaq from 'Kazaam' takes center stage in this exciting yet funky action film, and he is here to put the bad guys where they belong -- in the trash!"

 Well at least the bad guys will have something to watch because if this movie ever had a home it was in the trash.

3. SUPERGIRL

Let's not even discuss the movie .. the trailer has MORE than enough goodness to fill it's own blog! Please watch the trailer for the 1984 BOMB below, and then join the following discussion:

So first off ... wow. Re-watch it. I'll wait.

Some of my thoughts:

-I love the scene when Supergirl flies out of the water with her hair BLOW DRYED WITHIN AN INCH OF IT'S LIFE! When was the last time you jumped out of water with perfectly dry hair?

-Why is she holding a giant electric lollipop?

-Faye Dunaway as the evil villain? She wants to rule the world! Can you imagine living in a world run by Faye Dunaway! CAN YOU IMAGINE? *Shudder*

-Superman gets Lex Luthor and Zod. Supergirl gets ... a rogue bulldozer? And how does she stop it? By flying THROUGH A WATERTOWER? I guess that's why she's Supergirl and not Smartgirl. ZING!

-"POWER OF SHADOW ... DESTROY HER!" You read my mind, Faye. Read my mind.

4. ELEKTRA

Now, I love J Garn. I was a HUGE "Alias" fan back in the day, and thought her portrayal of Elektra Nacthios in "Daredevil" really wasn't THAT bad. Then came her own spin-off movie. Woof. This movie, like "Daredevil," is about Elektra overcoming her childhood, and learning to cope and let go ... blah blah blah. Most of the movie is about Elektra's ninja training, and her life as an assassin. The movie ends with her sensei, Stick, telling her "second lives are often better than the first," too bad the same isn't for movies.

5. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Once again, Hollywood takes a classic Alan Moore comic and turns it into a major sh*tstorm. WTF? I feel Sean Connery had a hand in it. I heard he turned down playing Gandalf in "Lord of the Rings" to play this role. Thank God! Can you imagine how bad LOTR would've been with Sean Connery as Gandalf. That would've womped hardcore. Speaking of womping, let's get back to "LXG." I feel as if the director of this movie (the same one who made "Blade") decided to fill in plot holes, and all-out lack of plot with CGI and dizzying action scenes. Eh. The result was a movie that hardly made any money, and once again set comic book movies back a few years -- if not decades. At least the next Alan Moore adaptation, "V For Vendetta," was much better (even if it didn't follow the graphic novel to a T), and we can only pray for "Watchmen."

Tune in later this week for numbers 6 through 10 in all of their cinematic glory!

-Chris R.