Ten Lamest Superheroes Ever
Ask any comic fanboy and they'll tell you that the next best thing to reading comics, is arguing about them. From "Which is Cooler: Batman or Superman?" to "What was the best Spider-Man story arc?" Fans will disagree and debate until exhausted from their mad-hand gesticulations, stop for rest, then repeat. Comic Book Resources has learned this, and thus has asked fans to submit their favorite Marvel and DC characters for their "Top Favorite Marvel and DC Characters" list which they will unveil on Sept. 10.
Instead of conquering the greatness of the comic world, we at Pulp Secret have taken it upon ourselves to focus on the worst of the lot. The annoying, the stupid, the "Cousin Oliver" of comic books, if you will. This list ranges from one-time appearances, to recurring characters that never learned how retarded they were. No one really knows if these characters were created from a drunken haze or from the best intentions, but whatever their origins, on thing is certain: the results are all lame.
10. Dazzler
Real Name: Alison Blaire
First Appearance: Uncanny X-Men #130
Powers: Turns disco beats into light and energy beams
So imagine you woke up one day to find that you were a mutant ... a mutant with superpowers! The world is your oyster! You can do anything! You can rule the world! You can ... turn sound vibrations into light and energy beams ... yeah. Well, there goes that whole "world is your oyster" thing. This is exactly what Alison Blaire must have thought when she awoke to these "powers." A lovechild from the disco era, Alison took the stage name "Dazzler," and prepared to take the music scene by storm with her electrifying disco sound. Too bad this was 1980 and the disco fad was quickly dying.
The X-Men run into mutants in the strangest places, but at a disco concert takes the cake, and that is exactly where they found Dazzler as she was about to fight the Hellfire Club. Why was the Hellfire Club at Studio 54? Don't know. It's bad enough to go out of the house in those X-Costumes, but can you imagine waiting in a line outside of the club in Spandex? I'm sure they just punched there to the front, but still, the X-Men have had so many embarrassing moments that that there could be a whole list on that subject alone.
After Dazzler begrudgingly admitted the death of disco, she tried her hand at other careers such as figure skating, swimming, aerobics instructor. Dazzler eventually was welcomed back into the world of music by turning her "edgy" disco sound into trance/techno ... which I'm guessing is the lesser of the two evils. Dazzler's powers are pretty bad, and to be the product of a brainstorming session during the height of Marvel's disco craze is never the best way to be conceived. She's made out OK, and has ultimately become a staple in the X-Universe, but nonetheless, compared to some other kick-ass mutant powers, Dazzler leaves a little much to be desired.
9. Combo Man
Real Name: Rick Wilder
First Appearance: Combo Man #1
Powers: Combined strength of your favorite Marvel Characters using the powers of Combo snacks!
Cross promotion is rarely a good thing, it usually leads to bad comics, bad characters and just embarrassment all around. All that, and more, fit the description of Combo Man. So this was a comic available to Combo eaters about a boy, Rick, who, after eating a Combo, turns into an amalgamation of Marvel characters from Iron Man to Carnage to Doctor Doom. That seems cool in theory, but it's really not. Not at all. The storyline of the comic goes a little something like this:
"Hoping the guys would quit picking on him if he joined them, Rick got caught up in a plot to steal a copy of the midterm exam from the second workplace of their teacher Professor Boyd, Danmark Laboratories. Once inside, Rick saw members of AIM (Advanced Idea Mechanics) pressuring Boyd to surrender his device for expanding human potential. Boyd tried to explain to them that it was still in the development stage, but that failed to dissuade the men. Rick tried to create a distraction, but he alerted the members of AIM to his presence. Fleeing from them, he ran into the room containing Boyd's potential expansion device, which was in use. The energy bombardment tore open Rick's bookbag, spilling his comic books. Frightened and hungry, Rick ate a Combo™, after which he was transformed into Combo™ Man, and he felt like he had the confidence to do anything."
Ugh. Cross promotion is the worst. I love how you get Carnage's arm, but you get the Hulk's ... hair? Cool? Combo Man was a one-shot, once-in-a-lifetime deal, and thank God for that.
8. Rocket Racer
Real Name: Robert Farrell
First Appearance: Spectacular Spider-Man #104
Powers: Rides a pimped out skateboard. That's it.
Robert Farrell created a skateboard that can go 60 miles per hour, scale walls, etc. ... and because of this little board, Rocket Racer is born. Now Rocket Racer is not the first to gain superhero status by an accessory (ie: Green Lantern), but he is the first to pick such a lame object. I mean, a skateboard is better than, a blender, but I feel Blender Boy would be a better villain than Rocket Racer. I mean who creates a super-skateboard and then is like "I'm gonna take down Spider-Man?" Who has a mind like that? Eventually Rocket Racer turned good, and now is just another vigilante helpin' Spidey clean up the streets.
7. Cypher
Real Name: Doug Ramsey
First Appearance: New Mutants #13
Powers: Can decipher any language.
You know when you go to a Japanese restaurant, and you can't pronounce something, and then your waitress goes over and talks to the other waitress and YOU know they're talking about you, and you think: "If only I spoke Japanese!" Well, if you were Cypher, then that dream would be a reality! Cypher (Doug Ramsey) is a mutant with the power to decipher anything. He's like a walking Rosetta Stone. Any language (including software) is instantly understood. This is one of the worst mutant powers I could think of. Yes, it would be incredibly handy to be able to be able to speak ANY language on Earth, and to know how computers work, and everything, but if you had to choose one mutant power, would you really want to be the Rosetta Stone of the X-Universe? Didn't think so. That's why I feel bad for the guy, not only does he have a stupid power, but then his love for Kitty Pryde was not returned, AND he died. Sounded like a great life. You will be missed Doug Ramsey, but not your mutant power.
6. Stilt Man
Real Name: Wilbur Day
First Appearance: Daredevil #8
Powers: Has long mechanical legs.
Wilbur Day, or Stilt Man, was a scientist who developed a pair of extremely long telescopic legs which helped in various heists across Manhattan. Stilt Man debuted in Daredevil #8 in 1965, but people are still laughing about him to this day. When Daredevil wasn't enough, Day went after Thor, who he attacked in a giant adamantium armor suit, but of course, Stilt Man lost, and the God of Thunder won the battle against the God of Mechanical Legs. When the Superhero Registration Act came around, Stilt Man signed up, and was made a law enforcer, outfitted with a new suit. Unfortunately he came face to face with the Punisher, who shot him point blank and killed him. Only time will tell if another will step up to claim the mantle of Stilt Man, but hopefully for our sakes, Wilbur Day will be able to rest in peace.
5. Bouncing Boy
Real Name: Chuck Taine
First Appearance: Action Comics #276
Powers: Can inflate into a giant ball.
In the 30th century, Chuck Taine drinks a super-plastic formula which he mistakes for soda, thus becoming the incredible Bouncing Boy! Chuck has one power; that is the ability to inflate into a giant ball, bounce around and escape injury. He joins the Legion of Super-Heroes, and in "Superboy" #200, Chuck marries fellow Legionnaire, Duo Damsel and they both leave the Legion for a quieter life out of the spotlight. Bouncing Boy is lame, no question about it, he's kind of like a super-powered Violet from "Willy Wonka." At least he just seems like a nice guy, not some lame villain who put on metallic legs, and tries to rob banks.
4. Matter Eater Lad
Real Name: Tenzil Kem
First Appearance: Adventure Comics #303
Powers: Can eat any solid matter.
One of the original members of the Legion of Super-Heroes, Matter Eater Lad, (Tenzil Kem) has the ability to eat through any solid matter. He hails from the planet Bismoll, where the capital is Pepto (get it?!) Trying to incorporate Tenzil's powers into storylines and battles, the writers usually opted to write him out, thus, him going on to become a senator on his home planet, and leaving the Legion for a number of years. After "Zero Hour," where all of DC got a continuity reboot, he became the Legion's chef, and was not a direct member of the team. Matter Eater Lad has a horrible name, with powers to match, and I can only imagine how happy the team was to see him become their Top Chef and not their bottom feeder of a teammate.
3. Aqualad
Real Name: Garth
First Appearance: Adventure Comics #269
Powers: Aquaman Jr.
So it's pretty much a consensus in the comic world that Aquaman is pretty lame, no getting around it. He can summon sea turtles, and breathe underwater ... but can only survive for a short period of time out of water. These powers are the same that Aqualad possesses, except Aqualad is far lamer because he is a kid sidekick with a perm. Aqualad's relationship with Aquaman became strained over the years as he would go off with the Teen Titans on various missions. Aqualad eventually became known as Tempest, and went onto become the ambassador for Atlantis, and eventually marry Dolphin, who was once a lover of Aquaman. Tempest was presumed dead, but now appears to be alive, yet his current status is unknown.
2. Squirrel Girl
Real Name: Doreen Green
First Appearance: Marvel Super-Heroes Special #8
Powers: Squirrel-like abilities. Can summon squirrels.
Doreen Green is a your average teenage girl who can summon and speak to squirrels. That is her power. Some mutants can control the weather, others can have a squirrel fetch their slippers at night. Doreen, in love with superheroes, eventually goes on to become Squirrel Girl, and earns her place in the Great Lake Avengers. First making her appearance in 1992, she disappeared for more than a decade, until returning with a new costume, and new powers, such as her eyes were able to glow red, and her lips taste like hazelnuts! She also has a giant fuzzy tail, claws and buck teeth like a squirrel. Squirrel Girl also has two sidekicks, Monkey Joe and Tippy-Toe, who are honorary members of the Great Lake Avengers. She had other named squirrels including Slippy Pete, Mr. Freckle and Nutso, though they are sadly now presumed dead. Squirrel Girl will always hold a special place in our hearts, as long as she's only seen every 10 years or so.
1. She-Thing
Real Name: Sharon Ventura
First Appearance: The Thing #27
Powers: Super-human strength. Appearance makes fanboys quiver with fear.
OK, so anyone who looks at Power Girl knows that superheroines are pretty hot. They have the proportions of a Barbie, and can also lift cars over their heads. They are a fanboy's dream.
So, if superheroines are a fanboy's dream, She-Thing is a fanboy's night terror. She-Thing is exactly what the name implies, a female version of The Thing. One might think that they made the female version of the Hulk hot, why not The Thing? No. This girl is literally The Thing with boobs.
Originally, a woman named Sharon Ventura, once a professional wrestler, but when she tried to leave the evil wrestling world, it was Ben Grimm who helped her escape. She joined the FF, but while battling a villain in space, she and Ben were bombarded with those annoying cosmic rays. After a short love affair (insert: shudder), She-Thing left the Fantastic Four, which everyone can agree is a good thing because no one wants to see Thing on Thing action; though she still makes a cameo in the Marvel Universe every now and then, something tells me we won't be seeing her in "Fantastic Four 3" anytime soon.
